The Crisis of Faith

The war in Ukraine has polarized people in both the West and the East to a degree not seen since the end of the Cold War. It almost feels like you have to choose a side. Most have chosen what they believe is ”the right” one, and some are even willing to die for it. As a deeply pro-Western Russian at the beginning of this war, I found myself almost losing faith in the ”good” West. It’s not that I started liking Putin; I simply stopped idealizing Western values. The West has let me, and millions of Russians who opposed the regime, down. Today I’ll tell you why it’s a colossal blunder by the US and its allies.

From East to West: Seeking Truth

This is a story of a Russian who wasn’t happy with Russian propaganda and who sought the truth in the West and its values. It’s a journey of someone who became disillusioned in democracy as it was implemented in the West. This is my story.

Growing up with Russian Nationalism

Children in Russia are constantly told that we are the greatest and the bravest nation on Earth. We follow the only true religion: Orthodox Christianity it is. Ironically, there are 20 million of Muslims in Russia (14% of the total population), but they don’t count, I guess. We are the biggest country in the World with inexhaustible natural resources. Enemies of Russia are everywhere. Basically, every country dreams about our territories and those endless resources. The USSR would defeat Nazi Germany singlehandedly, the Allies simply wanted to take credit for the victory. I could go on forever, but you got my point.

Disillusionment with the Russian Army

I was raised in a typical Russian family, so I had all the aforementioned stuff in my head as a kid. My dad fought in Afghanistan, and my cousin has served his whole life in the Russian army. Being fascinated by their example, I was preparing for a military career myself. I wanted to become an officer and an elite paratrooper. It never happened though. I was too short, so I was drafted into a regular branch of the Russian army. Until that moment, I always imagined the army as something fascinating, but everything was soon to be changed.

I don’t remember exactly when it happened, but at some point, I started noticing how sloppy and unorganized everything was around me. I felt annoyed with the incompetence of my superiors. Corruption, sloppiness and window-dressing would be the perfect description of what I faced in the regular army. As the image of the mighty Russian army was crumbling apart in my mind, I started questioning everything I was taught to be true.

Questioning Putin’s Decisions

I never voted for Putin not because I hated him or anything, I just knew he would win anyway. I also found him boring so I always voted for Zhirinovsky because he had charisma, he was Russian Trump if you want. The moment when I started questioning Putin’s decisions happened in 2008 when he decided to invade Georgia. I didn’t understand anything about his intentions but the state media blamed everything on “evil” Georgians. It felt so weird because I always thought of Georgians as our friends. When I saw that news, it even happened that my Georgian buddy was sitting next to me. He was as shocked as me. Suddenly I was supposed to believe that he was evil.

Turning Against Putin

It wasn’t until 2014, when Putin annexed Crimea, that I actually turned against him. By then, I had access to internet and could get information from different sources. I didn’t speak any English back then, but knew quite a few Ukrainians who spoke Russian. All my beliefs were challenged by the events of that moment of history. I refused to believe that Russia took a chunk of a sovereign country. I was desperately trying to find an explanation for what was happening and eventually decided that Putin was the only one to blame. It was almost physically painful to see how many people in Russia supported him. My friends were cheering around me and even invited me to participate in parades celebrating that “glorious” moment. While people around me were becoming increasingly nationalistic, I was experiencing the opposite.

Seeking Democracy in the West

I decided to learn English, and started thinking about traveling abroad to experience a true democracy for the first time in my life. Moving From East to West became almost an obsession for me at that time. Russian opposition wasn’t doing great at that moment (if it ever did), and seemed very scattered. I don’t even remember hearing about Navalny back then. What I do remember is the murder of Boris Nemtsov, a Russian opposition politician. He was shot to death on February 27, 2015, right in front of the Kremlin walls.

The Kremlin is one of the most protected places on Earth, and there are cameras literally everywhere, but only one of them worked that evening. The only footage was taken from 100 meters or so, and was so blurry that you couldn’t really see anything. Nemtsov wasn’t the only oppositionist to die under mysterious circumstances, though. Off the top of my head, I can name Litvinenko, Politkovskaya, and of course Navalny.

The only politician I ever trusted was Mikhail Evdokimov, the governor of Altai Krai. He was so much loved by common people that the Kremlin just wouldn’t stop trying to tarnish his reputation. He died in a car accident where another car was involved. It collided with his car and then disappeared. A few days before the accident he expressed a premonition that he wouldn’t survive much longer. There are no solid proofs that he was eliminated though, so I might be wrong on this one. Anyways, enough was enough; with opposition leaders dropping like flies, I finally decided to go abroad.

From East to West: My Journey to France

The year was 2019, and I was full of enthusiasm for my volunteer project in France. I had to sell my car to afford this trip, but I was willing to sacrifice almost everything for a chance to see the free world. There, for the first time in my life, I could criticize Putin without fear of getting in trouble. I enjoyed this freedom so much, and just couldn’t get enough of it. I loved the way Westerns casually criticized their politicians, never thinking about potential consequences. Suddenly, I found myself seriously thinking about moving from East to West permanently.

The Shadow of Home

My joyful experience was spoilt by the fact that my little brother had been drafted into the Russian army during that time. He managed to call me a few times and he sounded absolutely unnatural. I immediately felt that he was trying to hide something because he was carefully filtering his words.

Only a year later when he came back home and we could catch up, he told me that I was right about my feelings. He was literally asked by an FSB officer: “What is your older brother doing in France?” (they were trying to recruit him into the FSB). It was like a cold shower. No one, except for my immediate family, knew I was abroad. I told everyone that I went to work in Siberia. I was followed even abroad…